Single Status Update
At least have same musical appreciation (I know that not right word but at a loss) sorry Khaos-san.
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Khaos-san, My favorite Japanese band is old one Gotsu Totsu Kotsu. They might be a little dark. I was 7 when first heard them. Probably don't want to know but their music made my courage enough to step off third-floor roof when I was eight did not know that was not high enough. but American say live learn. Anyway, do to incompetence after trying with blade ended up institutionalized from 10 yr to 21yr old.But received treatment and tata I am still here. But think the world of them great band gets me through my mental illness. Have a few more bands I like and trying to increase speed on guitar to play these songs. Helps take pressures off. thank you for speaking with me. Khaos-san. Sorry about the long comment. Did not want to speak with you until you knew I am damaged. people get mad if not advised before they become social so try to advise if it appears this could happen.
The 1st part of this was something I thought I had sent you yesterday (but actually started the night before) & never pushed the send button...will add comments to todays post at end of my earlier ramblings.***
(sorry...fell asleep writing this last night...you can tell by when I actually started following you when I was referring to when I wrote this...not that the actual time really matters...just an arbitrary point of reference in an infinite universe)
I'm not the most computer literate person in the world...in fact I just now figured out where the icon to select to follow you was (I swear I looked past that giant icon about 40 times today while trying to click on every square millimeter of the square that tells you who is actually following you trying to figure out how to get my picture in your little square like your picture is in mine).
I have to admit I was confused when you told me what you actually did for a living...when I said, "You seem to have a brilliant mind" I was referring to your assorted math equasions & other interesting quotes in the forums...
I so underestimated who you actually are when I wrote that cause I thought that picture of the girls holding the guns to their heads with the caption about having to "dress up for work & not liking it" was a picture of you at work & I thought you were just a model or something like that...I guess I was way off the mark on that 1...in fact posting about the Halloween video was just a quick response designed to keep you acknowledged while I tried to wrap my head around just how off the mark I truly was about you(not that I didn't truly like the video...love Halloween & Slipknot...& I've never heard of Omnium Gatherum before but that was a great song too you just posted earlier...but I feel I owe you an apology for underestimating just how brilliant you really are.
Hope the contaminated radiation levels of what you are analyzing for work are in places far away from where the data about them you are analyzing actually is.
***New ramblings start now: (sorry...this took a long time to figure out how to word properly...& I still don't think I got it right...let me know what you think)
I don't think you are damaged although you have done bad things to yourself in the past.
The problem with bad actions is there is a person(violator)committing bad things & a person(victim)having bad things happen to them...now when a person hurts themselves there is a tricky catch 22 involved:
Societies(most anyway)teach us that people(violators)that do bad things must be punished...but when the violator is also the victim...once you punish the violator the 1st time you have also hurt the victim again...& now that you have hurt the victim again...the violator must be punished again...thus hurting the victim again...thus requiring punishment again...thus hurting the victim again(I think you see where that is going).
Now the only way to break that chain of continually hurting the victim...is rather than to punish the violator...FORGIVE the violator(forgiveness is actually an action(or series of actions)as opposed to just saying, "I forgive you"...I will explain later)...but in order to make the violator take responsibility for their harmful actions...the violator must make AMENDS[not to be confused w/the 12 step programs(the 1s that all end in anonymous)where you ask for forgiveness(just words)& all is forgiven(more words)}amends are actually good deeds & helpful actions done to make up for the harmful actions...& forgiveness actually requires you to not only make yourself available(not necessarily just once but an unlimited number of times)in order to allow the other person to attempt to do those actions for you, but also the responsibility to make sure the actions are sufficient enough to make up for the harmful actions committed, & also the graciousness to accept the little things in the interim until all the past wrongs have been fully atoned for). This switches the cycle of action from continually hurting yourself by continually punishing yourself for hurting yourself to a new cycle of action of doing good things for yourself to make up for the bad things you have been doing to hurt yourself.
You my sweet girl have been punishing yourself far too long...if in no other way than by not forgiving yourself...as evidenced by you continually telling people that you are a bad person.
When someone calls someone a bad person it means they have done bad things & therefore need to be punished...even though you haven't been lying when you have said you are a bad person...because you have done bad things to yourself...in order to forgive yourself...you need to stop pointing the finger at yourself & demanding that you be punished.
Now here is the tricky part(actually it's 2 parts):
1st...Don't do these actions from the viewpoint of the victim you used to be (& I say used to be because now that the punishment has ended there will be no more harming being done for you to be the victim of)...but rather...
2nd...Do them from the viewpoint of the person that for the 1st time in many years is now not only free(many definitions for that word but my favorite is, "infinite space & the ability to create")...free from the incriminating finger pointing...but also free to start the process of healing that will naturally occur now that you are allowed to do nice things (good deeds & helpful actions) for yourself instead of always hurting yourself.
Now the harm has continued for a long time & it's going to take a long time to make amends for...which means not only are you going to have to start doing good things for yourself immediately...but continue to do nothing but good things for yourself (hopefully) for a long long time to come to make up for all the bad.
Khaos-san, By no means, did I expect or desire to hurt you with my comments. I am now 29 yrs of age. I have lived much longer then I desire. Your analysis appears valid. my, in fact, be the answer. I am not trying to take the guilt for my crimes(right word not sure)? I will finish my story with the beginning. I do not have the knowledge if you understand Japanese family. I am only female this generation. Mother died during my birth. Man who was お父さん Otōsan. had previous marriage, two sons. a brother two cousins( I believe) Honor in traditional Japanese family is most important thing. To bring any hint of dishonor to family name is disrespectful and punishable. This is the first point I remember my failure. (took brake, harder then manageable.) I was seven years old Otosan brother and his sons moved in to Otosan house. over a couple months, I was physically forced to do unmentionable things for two of them. I could not have it stop to say to Otosan would dishonor him and family. I felt alone at 8 years problem solving is much more acute. there was building near house. went to roof, steeped over edge. Only time ever free in my life. during the descent . felt joy it was over. (unfortunately for myself.) did nut understand velocity required for death or angle of body to impact location. This would come later. Hit ground not with sufficient force. breaking neck back both legs one arm. A few ribs and most important to me TBI where post hit left side head went through skull and embedded there. Next failing Emergency service. two building down road. arrived before could die. Tragedy that. Pain was good and bad at same time. still feel it everytime I sleep every time I think of that Family. During recovery Otosan, would arrive once a week or so and tell me how I had dishonered him and family. State Police NPA questioned I could not communicate. was returned to house Body recovered some TBI caused vision and concentration problems. Otosan broth said If I told anyone it would dishonor family. Woke a morning and razor layed on table . took it and cut neck. (Not deep enough) only 9 years old. did not know about wrist and opening belly is Samurai death which above station. neck was it. After that Court sent me to institution. Otosan agree to pay expenses if I was taken from family forever. Council gave me name Miki, Margret Stark-Saito. (Margret Stark) mothers prior name. I made two more poorly planned attempts that failed to die. while institutionalized. School was escape Mathematics my savior. I did very well in it. Not exceptional but above average. I was monitored all the time never alone. I was moved from Yokosuka house to Kyoto at sixteen for college. Had Master in Mathematics at nineteen. Higuchi-san was able to get me employed as contract worker to his brother Sammy-san (everyone calls him) These two people finist people I know. I am still in treatment take meds drink to excess. Loath myself for what I have done and the blackness in me. I am constantly in depression and wishing for sweet release of death. To take my life would dishonor me for giving word to both Higuchi-san and Sammy-san I would tell them before I do anything like that. I am not foolish enough to understand keeping promise would result in the rest of my life incarcerated. So life goes on I don't enjoy my job much it's simplistic mathematics and lots of travel. I am failing at U of A due to poor attendance. and inability to learn to speak English well. I am paid very well and have grants for P.h. D. now from Japan. but unable to work on Dissertation do to other obligations. Neverhad a friend in life. no one I care about on personal level. I hate me. I have image problems also who does not. Have cute enough face, but body of ten-year-old boy no curves no tush or chest. like puberty deserted me which it did do some internal plumbing problems. from injury. That is my story will never be anything more. I am terrible dark self-centered person. I can be somewhat personable online but never in person, I hardly speak to people. I do not even own phone. lol. People ask me to go comms (voice with them in game and think it trivial. The thought cause's me great discomfort. and fear. Now, this is baggage. I have told this to a few no one has returned to speak after accept Higuchi-san and Sammy-san. To them, I make money for them and they tolerate my proclivities. I have to keep body guard with me all time out of hotel room that is agreement with Higuchi does not wish me to dishonor his name or Sammy-san company. sorry to bore you. Khaos-san. People say are you not lonely. if they mean do I feel alone of course I do. If they mean do I want someone in my life like near me the answer is no I could not deal with such. Only pain suffering and opportunity for them to cause more of said. Your analysis is most probably correct this is my background and the way I perceive things. Suicide is not cry for attention it is a way to end this horrible painful existence. people confuse this and treat it as crime. It is freedom.