Single Status Update
I've always being lonely these past few years but as a introvert it exhaust me especially in person to the point where I need some time off, so it's really hard to balance my social life alone.
I came here looking for friends which many I made and a few that I lost because of how much I beat myself up on the wall for my mistakes, people can't stand to see someone self loath so they run away, I initially self loath to defuse a situation because I don't like arguement but it still resulted me loosing some friends.
These days I try to avoid hurting others, and be quiet about it, I keep remembering past incidents where Im at fault so I hurt myself for it even more because Im scared of doing it again so my one weakness is that I can't forgive myself easily to the point that I have constant suicidal thoughts every now and then and I pass it of. Yes I suffer from depression, anxiety, low self esteem which all seem to developed around at the late years of high school and was born with autism. I just want to be a flawless friend instead of someone's chained up dead weight.
So I avoid speaking about my problem and use change the subject as an excuse to avoid it. I had to get this off my chest so... because I pissed of a divmate for not telling them that I was gonna relocate to a safer location on a voice chat sorry which resulted them sinking early, sorry if you had to read this or even more so if you got a notification on this.
I just need help in forgving myself... thats all... /-_\\
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Kako-chan... *hugs tightly.* Wish... I could do more... but I, we, all forgive and love you. The only person that should be beating themselves up is me, I'm the least experienced player in our clan yet everyone looks up to me for advice and direction. Sure I can give a good speech and give broad advice but when it comes down to the game... I'm no better than most of the randoms out there, probably worse so since I have a really, really bad habit of tunnel vision which stems from my autism and my habit of being fixated on something.
Just keep moving forward. It's all any of us can do.
Thanks guys, I kinda feel kinda restored reading all of this, I just need like outside help in forgiving myself like I need someone to literally what good I am along with past examples because my mind for some reason denies such negative actions I do. oh and Zao *hugs back tightly* don't beat yourself up we've talked about it last night before I slept. I'm pretty much over now today /^_\\