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A good neighbor is someone that doesn't put a password on their Wi-Fi - I have no good neighbors
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A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Do you ever think about that ? No. You only think about yourself
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That awkward moment when you realize that an energy drink has a better space program than your nation
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I'm still trying to figure out how to greet people during lent... Because I know it's inappropriate to greet someone with happy holy week
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Give a girl a fish and she'll freak out because fish are gross. Teach a girl to fish and she'll be like "but I want Starbucks" *sobs*
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Ironically, the only way I'd watch 50 Shades of Grey again is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to
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This world can be a better place if people start accepting their mistakes as quickly as they accept "Terms and Conditions"
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QUESTION: "Do people treat you unfairly because they are jealous of your super powers?" ME: "Yes"
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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! Okay, now read without the word dog and you're welcome