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About Mental_Model_Zao

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  • Birthday 06/14/1988
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    WoWs, Warmachine, Elite:Dangerous

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  1. So... The convention has been good minus a few hiccups I'll post pics on my Facebook account eventually anyway since mom and I are taking today off to recover I'd like to take today to just get some thoughts off my chest. The big one, the one I tend to deal with the most, depression.

    Depression is one of those chronic diseases that has a million different symptoms and affects people differently and the best way I can describe how it affects me... Is a little bit of storytelling and a preface of the one thing that scares me more than those horrid thoughts... which is silence... silence of people silence of the environment, just not hearing things even something as mundane as birds chirping or bugs buzzing or even the gentle hum of my PC on sleep mode at night scares me and sends my imagination into complete and chaotic overdrive. It's probably why music listening is like a crutch to me and I circle back to constantly when things out of control for me. Most people get annoyed when a song gets stuck in their head but for me... I like it because it gives me reprieve from potentially worse thoughts.


    As for my depression... It's like being on a pier, surrounded by an endless sea. The ever changing waters and tides the entire spectrum of my thoughts and emotions, good and ill. For me I am just this girl, alone on this pier with her fishing rod, just fishing this sea for thoughts, for ideas, because thinking about things is better than not even with the risk of bringing up something horrid. A lot of the stories I write, I discuss, I talk about are all based on experiences of my past, some exaggerated, some muted, others altered but the act of fishing, the act of thinking keeps away the silence. Some days I fish up nothing interesting, maybe a bad joke I recalled from somewhere when I was younger, maybe some puns I heard from elsewhere, or some old experience that would make great foundation for a new character in a story... Other times... What I fish up... fights back... things that don't want to be recalled things that I don't want to remember... Trauma from middle school, abuse... Many times I can fight them right back but...


    I get pulled into the water... It feels like I'm drowning because I don't just deal with that memory, no, I deal with all of them, at once and the outcomes they have cause, could have caused, how I could have prevented them, just flood into me as I sink deeper and deeper. A lot of times this happens when something bad happens in the real word, sometimes by my own hand accidentally, other by the actions of other people. It's at the worst when it happens in the day, It... feels like being in a nightmare but in the in broad daylight, awake and aware but... drowning mentally. Best way I can describe this is when someone cuts me off while driving just barely missing me, I start thinking about how lucky I am, and what could have happened if they actually hit me, then how that impact would have rocked my car, how I could have... and these thoughts repeat over and over and over, my hands tremble and depending how badly it was... I break down... But... despite this... I always somehow make it back onto the pier in my mind... mostly of because of a few people and the most important person in my life... This person always appears as an angel to me, blinding light and hand outstretched and pulls me out of this sea of darkness. Caressing me, holding me, telling me how much they love me, how much... They cherish me, they... stay with me on this pier till they fade back into the aether and I am alone once more... The only reason I've managed this long without medicine is because there are literally too many people that miss me if I passed away... If I succumbed to this darkness residing inside my own mind. No matter how many times I break down... I sink... someone always save me... I wish I could thank them all. Wish I could tell them all how much they mean to me, wish... I could just somehow show them the impact they have no matter how mundane or small it sounds... It's... Kinda why I always buy gifts for people I cherish if I can... I feel like nothing I do could be ever be enough for all the saving they do.


    *chuckles quietly, wiping some tears from her eyes.*


    Even writing this is tough on me... But I feel like it needed to be said. It's why I have this boom/burst kinda habit when it comes to gaming. Some days I can play for hours and hours and hours and others I'll... go completely off the grid... I don't mean to.. I just kinda... happens... and it's kinda what happens when there are alot of testing that needs to be done for WGing, some months I can do every classified task I can and then some... others... I have to ask them to keep me active while I struggle with these beasts inside my own personal...


    It doesn't help when I have a hard limit of 10 PM EST during the week and I've been working 4, 5, 6, 7... 8 days in a row often time not even getting home to like... 9... 9:30 PM which means I get like... one, maybe two games in before I gotta turn off the rig for the evening... It... is one of the few things I miss from my abusive previous job... I would always be either off or 9:50 AM to 5 PM with the single exception being the super bowl. so I would have hours to unwind and bang out whatever task was given to me. Now It's always a craps-shot what time I'll get out every week different every schedule different from the week before... It's hard to plan out things when you'll never know what your next day off is... Plus there are... other things I wanna do too... I feel like I'm the worst tester WG has in their employ...


    If any of you are reading this. I am sorry. I really really am. I know it doesn't mean much... but I do try to make it to the focus sessions and stuff that I can't talk about here... 


    I know I need professional help. I know I do. Depression meds are expensive and my insurance status is in limbo atm till Dec 1st...


    I'm so tired of feeling like this... Just... don't leave me here alone.. please.. and if my love reads this... I hope they understand why I get scared when they're silent... and I know continuous talking can grate on you... it's... a coping mechanism and I hope you can forgive me...


    Please... forgive me...  


    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Mental_Model_Zao


      got an appointment finally for the 12th. here's hoping I can finally just... reclaim some of my life back. I miss working on my models, painting my miniatures.


      Ty for all the support.

    3. Ace6steel


      Np if you end up having another problem, just know we’ll be here and with you every step of the way.


      yeah i miss modeling, barely have any time to do it anymore...

    4. Rusty_Python


      That is so glad to hear Zao. We all miss those fun things in our lives. I haven't done much with my models in forever sadly. Anyway, glad you got an appt, and know that, like Ae said, we'll be here to help whenever you need it.