Bah! Fell asleep early and woke up now and its only 11:30PM
and we're out of sleep aids in the medicine cabinet. oh joy this is gonna be a fun night trying to go back to sleep. =.=
well at least I get to ponder a bit. whether or not I should cover my coworker's 2-7 shift tomorrow, on one hand more money for the flex pipe job, on the other hand I could do some work on my car... oh who am I kidding I'm not bold enough to do light body work by myself, my problem is just taking the first step alone like if I had my brother or a friend join me in sanding and stuff and just get a feel for doing it I'm sure I'd be fine doing the rest by myself especially if father approves of the job I did but it's that first step. once you sand there is no going back till you are ready to prime and stuff... I mean my car is worthless from an outside prospective but I've had her for over 4 years she means a lot to me plus I wanna take care of her since in those 4 years she not even at 100k miles yet and I would like to atleast get another 100k more out of her.
This has always been a problem of mine, just thinking and thinking and overthinking, who knows why I'm like this but it's hard to just... Dive into a project even something so simple as rust repair it's not like I'm replacing a head gasket or installing a woofer and amp by myself. who knows how many weeks I'm gonna have till the winter road salts start appearing on the roads once more. I need to get these spots covered especially the small ones near my wheel wells. Plus... It's... more fun doing car stuff with friends I feel less noobish when I have someone equally green helping me. I'd ask father but he has a bad habit of doing things for me rather than doing things with me... Plus our schedules don't even mesh anymore, he's off weekends I work weekends...
kinda wish my friends here lived close to me... sorry for rambling... Also go watch "That time I got reincarnated as a slime." it's really really really good so far. Episodes need to come faster T.T
well you've kind of got something working for you there
once you commit you've gotta go through with it
surprisingly I could probably do something complicated despite having limited knowledge on it
I have already experienced it first hand and the ability definitely comes in handy when im in a pinch
I would ask what your surprising ability is but i'm gonna be respectful and let you keep your privacy
maybe this will cheer you up a little:
I don't know how much more I can keep doing Evenings at this job. I may have hated, no, despised working the store near my home, but my schedule was always the same Open (10 AM) to 5 PM. Always... barring Superbowl then its till end of half time... but this current store. Sure the zone is so much nicer, the customers a lot more grateful and kind but I just can't go from 3 PM to 8 PM to a 3 PM to 9+PM to a 2 PM to 9+PM then Open to 6 the next two days. Also I feel like the Whatever hour+ is such a cop-out to the schedule If you want to 9 then have it to 9, if you want me to 8 or 10 then put it as such, I get it that because how erratic the night customer orders are you don't feel confident in giving a set in stone time but then why not use Rush like the former boss (and my best friend of 27 years) was using. And I just love it when they say some people do close open shifts so why am I complaining. Well good for you that you can function on less than 6 hours of sleep I can't I struggle just getting 8 hours of sleep as it is and you give these may 9 may not shifts it drives me nuts and it severely cuts into what little time I get with Captain-sama. Being in different time zones sucks, being in different countries suck. Being saddled with so much debt sucks so much. It's... so easy to understand why some people crack and end it all... I feel it myself. There isn't much out there for a broken mildly autistic girl who can't stand on her feet for more than 30-60 minutes, deliveries is something I'm good at, something I don't need to talk often on the phone, I don't need to be on my feet for hours and hours and hours *coughshopriteishellcough* Tips are nice... I just wish... I could do something like that and be paid a livable wage... I mean there is Door Dash supposively is pretty decent but according to my brother who does it part time its commission based you basically start getting literally a dollar a successful delivery and tips and as you work faster and get good reviews your base commission and tips go up but... That... just... seems so dodgy to me...
idk what to do anymore... I just... want time... with Captain-sama...
I... just.. want to be free...
Comic Con is tomorrow, I should be happy... but I feel so depressed... It will be the first time I'm going alone... I mean my mom is joining me for her first time at this con but I've always gone with friends, coworkers, boy/girlfriends but this year all my friends are...
Twin are trapped in south carolina, Wa... full time teacher, Kiara... has gone off the grid since the summer. Captain-sama...
I'm... also scared I'll run into my ex.. things... did not end on good terms... Idk why I'm posting this here, maybe because I don't want him to see it or at least here I'm a nobody, maybe a handful of people actually interact with me but I'm just some supertester who does what she can to keep her head above the ever rising tides..
I wish Captain-sama could be with me...
I wish... I wasn't so poor..
*Zao is asleep on her bed, smiling. Her data bands active and the coms tab illuminated with a single active contact.* Zao... happy... Captain-sama is... back... Zzz Wub... Zzz Captain-sama... Zzz
> Camera feed successfully hacked. We are beyond the firewall and the Model is not aware of the breach.
>> How long do we have?
> Not long, a few minutes. Tops
>> It will do Ibuki, Now lets see what Zao has been doing since she locked herself in that room.
> Very well, let it be on this record that Ibuki does does not agree with spying on her Model... However her Isolation is unusual and this AI's red flag protocol has been initiated.
* The room is in disarray. The once neat and folded bed sheets and covers strewn haphazardly on and around the bed, clothes and outfits scattered across the room. Zao herself... She is on top of her bed, curled up in a ball clutching a framed picture.*
>> What... is she holding onto?
* It's an Older Picture, a photo of her and the captain, looks like some kind of party off-ship.*
>> Why would she be doing that. The captain is fine... well last we checked right?\
> Affirmative. The odds are that the captain is-
>> Why is she freaking out, can you zoom in on that data band, that one, right there, I think... it's the comms tab she always has open
*the camera swivels around and zooms in on the panel on her data band, it has the captain's signature on it, and it's offline, the date... over 3 days ago.*
>> Well now I get it.
> This AI doesn't, elaborate, please.
>> The captain has been on stuck on the base for months, but Zao and the captain kept in daily contact and now... the abrupt deployment, and lack of contact...
> The deployment means no internet. But why is our Model deteriorating like this?
>> Because Ibuki... Zao... Has been through a lot. like... a lot a lot. This dimension never had the Terminus War, the horrors, the deaths... the experimentation, It damaged her... not physically but left a sort of a emotional scar and the Captain was a stabilizing factor. An amazing stabilizing factor, I've been with her for years but when she met... she smiled, for the first time in a long time, and now without the contact she is drawing up every possible scenario she can conceive in the absence. From the ship sinking to a local killing-
*a loud crunch sound occurs and the feed turns to static.*
>> ... Bloody hell! Ibuki encrypt the breach so she can't trace it back to us. And make it snappy!
> Right away.
Kako-sama... please... be safe...
> C:// Run Zao_Diary.exe
> Authentication Required
> Credentials Accepted
> Zao_Diary:// Add New_Page
> Command Accepted
--- Morale is low. For the most advanced cruiser the fleet has ever created this model doesn't feel like it...
--- What is Feeling? This model has done countless scans, numerous diagnostics and this model cannot find a resolution to this apathy, this... lethargy she is experiencing.
--- What has changed? This model wasn't always like this, drifting in the middle of the Hudson Bay, staring at the clouds, wondering what her purpose was. She used to be
--- Happy.. Carefree even... She was content being an escort, protecting human transports from rogue FOG vessels still disillusioned by the defunct Admiralty Code. The War
--- Was over... Is over but the fighting never ends. This model thinks, recalls, the last time she felt... happy... It as April, this model was stationed in Melbourne, in Australia
--- Escort duties once more but their government required mental models to have at least one human crew member to conduct military operations in their waters, This Model
--- Was assigned a captain, a human who's -error code 33- someone this model... I... Grew close to. The patrols and escorts were uneventful but the captain made them...
--- Enjoyable... -error code 407- days passed. We... really enjoyed each other's company. It was the closest this mod- I felt... human... -error code 33- didn't see me as a robot
--- A machine, I was just someone -critical error-
--- Loved. I was... I am loved... but I feel empty being so far away.
--- I want to go back... I need to go back... I don't want to be -critical error-
--- Please... Find me... I need -Fatal Error-
> Compiler found errors. Continue anyway? (Y/N)
> Zao_Diary.exe:// Page_1562 Successfully created
I was never commander material... Specter fleet needs to cut its dead weight, which includes me. I wish you the world Harby, hopefully you can do what I couldn't.
please forgive me, I just... wasn't strong enough...
Haven't done these in a while, but as some know I did visit Kako aka Rolkatsuki in Australia back in the first week of April.
It was amazing, it was the first time I ever left the US, and honestly... I really miss it... I'm sure there are just as many things wrong with it as America but... When I was with Kako for those 6 days I felt for the first time in a really, really long time that... I was home, and I was safe...
I... want to go back...
it sucks being so far away...
Happy Anniversary Kako-sama!
We had lots of ups and downs last year, and I'm sure we will have just as many this year, but I can't wait to continue to experience it all with such an amazing soul as you!
I love you with all my heart,
Something that has been on my mind for a while. It's gonna be a longish post so take that what you will.
I've always found myself with 4 distinct styles in life, masks if you will, there is the one I present to the world, to my co-workers, to the strangers, to the customers, and the others that only my friends, my family, my safe spaces see.
This main mask I feel like I am forced to wear the most is one that is nothing more than an obedient servant, borderline dog. It doesn't matter what I say, or what I do, I will always be wrong and they will always be right. I've learned to keep myself distant from anyone and everyone, to not let others in, to not trust anyone lest they take your secrets and use them against you, time and time again. My current job doesn't even know I am transgender, they think and believe I am just a girl with a deep voice that is good at what she does which is driving. That is what I am paid to do, no matter how much my morning shift runner berates and criticizes me, my priority is to make sure the customers get their food in a timely manner. What happens outside that bubble matters not to me, it isn't my job. However, being so distant being so... kuukere is the term I believe, may shield me from the abuse, but it also shields me from genuinely nice people as well. It takes a lot to get though to me. I... don't like trusting strangers honestly, but I have to sometimes.
My desired outlook on life is positive, most of the time. Many of my friends can tell you that, and hide my inner turmoil the best I can behind a smiling, pun-rich facade. I love pastels and cute things, especially cats and smaller dogs like corgis and pompskies. If you gave me a choice between a pink dress straight from Harajuku or pants and a shirt I would go with the dress any day of the week. There are so many styles and outfits I want to wear and try, make-up I want to try and experience, only my finances and my odd body shape limit me. and limit me they do.
Though what holds me and all my sides together is the gamer side, the one that enjoys this game and all of its sometimes abusable faults. The one that the person I fell in love with met first. I can be aloof and thoughtful, always putting my friends over myself, I will gladly jump on top of that grenade if it means saving everyone around I. And it hurts when people ignore what I do. I by far not the best leader but I try my best to inspire and rally those around me. When I'm not on the computer I'm at my desk working on a model or plotting my next cosplay prop. Yet, both of these sides are held back by the other side of me, the darkest one.
The one that to me, is the manifestation of my depression, my anger, my frustration. The one that scares my boyfriend when it comes out, the one that has thrown controllers and cracked a friend's jaw. HRT may have soften it from what it once was but it is something that even scares me. Its... hard to accept that such a vile darkness even exists in me, I hoped that stopping playing games like COD and GoW and being more at peace with myself had finally but it to sleep but even in sleep she still haunts me. I don't mean to be snarky, I don't mean to sarcastic half the time, I don't mean to condemn and criticize my teammates but it comes out. It makes me feel like I'm being a hypocrite. She... keeps me chained to my bed, and on my phone to she me, to prove to me, how [edited] this world, this country, this town I call home, is becoming... and that she is my only friend. That in only in her will I be safe from those that wish to destroy me, and... I know she is wrong but... what if she is right at times...
Truth be told, I don't know why I am writing this, on a public forum no less... I just hope that my boyfriend will still love me even on the days where I just can't control her any longer. It's tiring, it's why despite how much I wanna dive and wear the latest in Harajuku fashion I almost always end up in a shirt and pants, or skirt if I can muster up a little extra strength, its why I don't wear make-up even though I want to... I know I need help, I need more than a strong network of friends and family and a monthly visit to my psychiatrist. Medication is expensive. Even with insurance, and with the very real possibility of me loosing my insurance soon... its why I don't pursue anti-depression medication. Hormones are dirt cheap, even without insurance, instead of paying 2 bucks for both monthly prescriptions it would be about 20 for both. its 1000% increase but 20 bucks once a month doesn't hurt the wallet like anti-depressants do. I'm sure people here will say its worth the risk, but they have never experienced anti-depressant withdrawal like have. Because it has happened once before in my life, let me tell you it's not fun.
No let me actually break down what happened. It was August 2012 I was given an opportunity to work at Nintendo and I jumped on it. unfortunately because anti-depressants are a controlled substance there was no way my psychologist at the time could legally send me scripts so I wouldn't lapse, and I couldn't find a new one that took my insurance so when September 21st rolled around and the last pill was taken, the worst 2 and a half months began. the first week I felt fine, helped make dinner, went out with roommates for shopping, spent time with new boyfriend at the time. It was in the middle of the second week where it all started happening. at first it was more calls from the void, I forget what the actually french term is but it translate to a call from the void, like I should hurl myself out my open 21st story window and see how long it would take to hit the ground, or I should throw myself in front of the passing buses that were passing my apartment. By the third week I couldn't leave the couch because I became so paranoid I couldn't even trust myself. Halloween, the voices began. Never before have I ever heard voices till then and it was... there are no words it's like invisible ghosts hovering around all the time telling you that you are worthless, you are garbage, you are scum, you are a burden, your family doesn't love you, your friends don't love you. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, 24 hours a day even in my dreams they would turn to nightmares telling me I should just climb out that window and let go. At this point any sane person would have taken me to a hospital but I didn't have insurance now, nor did my roommates we couldn't even afford the ambulance so they hid all the silverware and my hobby tools, and kept a constant eye for weeks. It wasn't till a few days before thanksgiving before it finally past, I felt like absolute crud, but the voices were gone. I survived withdrawal but many don't and I swore to myself I wouldn't let something like that ever happen again.
So now you know, and you now know why I am so hesitant on getting medication again. But the whole point of all the this is that no matter what happens. I'm gonna keep fighting, no matter how bedridden and depressed I am, I will never take the coward's way out. And I hope that the person I love and cherish can know that no matter how deep I sink into the darkness, his light will always find me, and I hope that he can bear with me while I figure out who I am, who I want to be, in those trying days and times. and thank you.
I want to thank him so much, and hope someday... I can...
for now though, I'll just keep surviving like I always do and hope these bad times in America will pass.
I love you all so much,
Mental_Model_Zao changed their profile photo
so fried today x.x