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Comprehensive Rules for Winning! (REVISED)

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generaldort #1 Posted 18 May 2017 - 04:57 PM

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Some rules for the road I've come across in my endeavors.

 

  1. Don’t go in first…unless you have a plan: IDK why people just derp in and waste their ships for no reason early on. This is a game of finesse. If you want breakneck action with high intensity excitement then go try out badminton.

 

  1. Remember your ABCs Always. Be. (you get me): Wreck everyone at all times with a fiery desire to watch endless ribbons pop up on your screen. Dedicate yourself to the pursuit of this goal by training, watching good streamers, and practicing aiming/strategy.

 

  1. Don’t go naked: If you have no camouflage on because you think it’s “too expensive” or you want the ship to look “historically accurate” then go play Co-op because you’re a donkey to us in random/ranked battles. I always assume anyone with no camo is a window licker and I’m usually right. The only exception is China. Those players go streaking in every match yet still somehow manage to wreck kids. Anyway, I always focus the no camo guy because he’s far more likely to drive in a straight line, shoot AP in a Japanese cruiser 100% of the time, and be otherwise useless to his team. Treat yourself, don’t cheat yourself; put on that pretty dress before you leave the house.

 

  1. Look at the map: Ever see the one BB running up the 10 line on north in a CV game when everyone else goes to the A/B cap? Yea me too. And he’s a mouth breather who is either non-responsive in chat or a vehement defender of his assjackery. Then as soon as he gets dev struck by the CV he calls the rest of the team out for being cowards. This guy falls in the “Stupid-Mean” category of captains. Not only is he unaware of his folly, he is hyper sensitive to criticism of it. This guy is never left scratching his head wondering how he is sitting on a 38% WR because his interpersonal skill compass has gone the way of your ex-girlfriend; batshit crazy.

 

  1. Always shoot DDs: Wanna win and not get stalked to death by the cancer that is the DD threat? THEN KILL THEM DAMMIT! KILL THEM GOOD! If you’re in a BB this is especially true. You need to absolutely annihilate these lesser creatures or you will play ‘smack the desk with your head’ until you’re in the emergency room. Any DD on the enemy team is worthless and doesn’t deserve to draw breath in the same game as you. Friendly DDs are of course cool and stuff (unless they are Shimakazes). Practice your DD shooting skills, lead them a lot, aim UP on them because they usually turn away, keep planes for spotting, and watch them cry baby tears when they get a free trip back to port courtesy of your mandingo batteries. SHOOT AP. Yes your heard me. ARMOR PIERCING. Hits do guaranteed damage that way. An overpen can be a citadel to those rats.

 

  1. Always focus the closest planes that can hurt you: Bro, if you hate planes then guess what? SO DO I. Second to DDs I despise them. They are Zika infested mosquitos flying over you constantly and trying to ruin all future destruction you’re trying to give birth to. Wreck them with no remorse. I always run full AA on U.S. BBs. Sometimes I even do it on a Yamato, that’s when the CV tears really come and of course the hackusations. You need to ensure that between shots you are constantly looking around so you can spot these little buggers. By the time you hear your AA firing off to pay attention, then it’s probably too late. Keep pushing SHIFT and right clicking around your ship to gain situational awareness.

 

  1. Never Follow a Shimakaze: Literally never do this. You will almost always die or get ditched. The typical type of player that is attracted to this ship is usually the selfish punk you met during recess who got made fun of and took the kick ball away; leaving everyone around to stare at each other and try to figure out something else to do with rocks or sticks. These high octane warriors like to spam walls of torpedoes in every direction and are often pink because of it. The color pink and Shimakaze go together like Charlie Sheen and cocaine; it’s never a good thing.

 

  1. Find an inexperienced target: If you haven’t identified the oblivious enemy player in the first 3 minutes then it’s probably you. Having trouble picking a juicy target to lay into when there are 5 ships sitting in the same area? That’s easy, just pick the no camouflage Pensacola running broad to the whole team. That ship is the escargot delicacy of WoWs. Hit it and see how delicious it is. Nurembergs fall into that category as well. Ships with a life expectancy shorter than that of a Natalie Imbruglia music career; they get torn.

 

 

  1. Read the chat: Hate the chat because it’s too “toxic” and hurts your special feelings? Guess what, nobody likes each other on the internet. It’s the cruel reality of the world we live in. Someone got stuffed in a locker when they were in 10th grade and now it’s time to show the world how tough they are by “flaming” dat [edited]in chat right? We’ve all seen it. Luckily WoWs has a much nicer community than most other games so this problem isn’t as prevalent here. However, some overly sensitive types go running to the Aslain’s modpack safe space of “disable in game chat” because words hurt. You know what else hurts? The enemy shells into your broadside because you can’t receive intel reports to work with the team.

 

  1. Be a good smoke buddy; unless you’re Dort: See that tempting smoke? It’s like an oasis in a literal sea of jumbled [edited]right? Ships run to them like frat guys to a cheap keg party. Smoke provides concealment and NOT cover. Know the difference. Also understand that the prime target for an enemy DD is a smoke cloud. Travel in there at your own risk. Smoke is the Bangkok of the game, once it has you now there’s usually no going back. If you’re a BB I’d advise using it sparingly. Add it as a tool to your strategy rather than the centerpiece of it. If you’re going to be in someone ELSE’s smoke that they didn’t lay for you. Don’t hit or shoot them because it’s a [edited]move. I am allowed to be guilty of this because I’m like a bull in a china shop. I of course hold the rest of the population to a higher standard lol.

 

  1. Don’t use your real name as your game name: Names like John_Brown are 238% more likely to get devastating struck off the map in the first 6 minutes of a game than anyone else. This is of course, a scientific statistic resulting from months of testing. (your first name)(your last name) almost never does well, and yes that includes middle names/initials as well. Your lack of creativity is indicative of your lack of ability to hit targets and dodge incoming shells. This is the internet, have fun and be someone you’re not. John_Brown can easily switch to GangstaCryptKilla69 for 2500 dubbies.

 

  1. Always make the enemy fight you in two directions: Lemming trains sometimes work, but it’s the exception rather than the rule. You want to create situations where you are forcing your enemy to go broadside to someone. It’s hard to do that if you are all huddled in a circle like a bunch of bison grazing on a pasture. Get aggressive, split the force up a bit. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO GO ON THE 10 LINE ON THE NORTH MAP BY YOURSELF. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND JUST STOP IT.

 

  1. Only go bow in with a BB during emergency situations: No, getting spotted by an enemy 21k away in the first minute of a match does not constitute an emergency. We’ve all seen the guy who sits bow on the entire game, and in extreme cases, never finds the W key. He plays like Floyd “Money” Mayweather and looks tough, is hard to knock out, but never takes a serious fight. This is especially frustrating when you see it done in a German BB. For Christ sake they usually only have two guns per turret. Don’t you people get sick of missing all game? You want to have some fun in a BB? Stay on the damn move. Use steering gears as a module and rope a dope the enemy into frustration so they grow tired of you and decide to shoot something else. Your BB should have 3 speeds; Full Forward, Full Reverse, and Stop. You can throttle jockey to dodge torpedoes and other obstacles as necessary but you will NEVER find me going ¼, ½ , ¾. Those speeds reek of a lack of testosterone and I don’t approve of them.

 

  1. Don’t reverse broadside: Why would you do this? It’s usually the guy who sits in sniper mode all game and can’t zoom out to gain situational awareness.

 

  1. Don’t ever trust a premium ship that just came out of the shop: Everyone enjoys the excitement of a new ship with the new ship smell. Well more often than not that ship smells like latex and shame when it’s on your team or the enemy’s. It happens and people are just trying to learn what to do. Just don’t rely on them for quality support. It’ll take a few weeks to get the skills needed to see solid play.

 

  1. It’s always an Iowa: Never have I uttered the phrases “Oh thank God we have an Iowa with us” or “Damn there’s an Iowa on the enemy team we are screwed”. I’m starting to think the majority of Iowa class captains are our WoWs role players. They went out and got the outfit and send transmissions to their team by making the squelch sound after every message. And honestly, that actually sounds fun as hell haha. Like I would totally do that. However, that has nothing to do with their skill level! Lightning speed, slow rudder shift, and fast moving turrets make people lose sight of finesse in this ship so they derp in all the time. 92.33333 (repeating of course) Iowa class players are broadside and easy to nuke off the map.

 

  1. Server pride makes about as much sense as a football bat: “My server is better than your server and this server cuz mommy tells me I’m special.” Give me a break. Guess what? When you follow all of these rules, every server sucks compared to you. Plain and simple. Newsflash children, unless you’re Chinese, your server sucks. There are literally donkeys everywhere. I’d take some of their bots on my team over the ash and trash I find in the free world. What does this all mean? Play your game and get busy wrecking kids.

 

  1. Have fun:  Seriously, it's just a game.....or at least that's what I keep telling myself that.


hangglide42 #2 Posted 18 May 2017 - 05:34 PM

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Hi General - Glad this was reposted w/ the "safer snark & humor" preserved...:)...there was a lot of good info here for everyone and hated to see the controversy w/ the earlier post (tho I understand why).  Thumbs up!

RivertheRoyal #3 Posted 18 May 2017 - 05:40 PM

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Rule 19: When you see Dort's ship, give it a nice big hug—no matter what team you're on~ 

WolfmanJack99 #4 Posted 18 May 2017 - 05:49 PM

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All very good tips, General! However, the fewer people that get this message the better. If everyone followed these rules then I wouldn't have anyone to "nuke off the map."

 

...and out of curiosity...

What ship(s) did you use in the season 6 ranked battles to get #1 in ALL 5 regions?


 

 

"All men can see these tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved."
-Sun Tzu

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Jnobsir #5 Posted 18 May 2017 - 07:09 PM

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View Postgeneraldort, on 18 May 2017 - 12:57 PM, said:

Don’t use your real name as your game name: Names like John_Brown are 238% more likely to get devastating struck off the map in the first 6 minutes of a game than anyone else. This is of course, a scientific statistic resulting from months of testing. (your first name)(your last name) almost never does well, and yes that includes middle names/initials as well. Your lack of creativity is indicative of your lack of ability to hit targets and dodge incoming shells. This is the internet, have fun and be someone you’re not. John_Brown can easily switch to GangstaCryptKilla69 for 2500 dubbies

 

Does a questionably clever alias concocted during my childhood after spending way too much time discussing Monty Python and the Holy Grail with friends count? 

 

Of course, no-one except me and those few friends will ever get the inside joke, but I'm perfectly fine with that. 


Edited by Jnobsir, 18 May 2017 - 07:34 PM.

 

Greetings, I am Sir J. Nobsir, Knight of the Table which was once Square, The Esteemed Duke of Somewhere Else, Lord of the Shining Seas, Admiral of the Red Swedish Fish, Baron of Barn-doors, Defender of the Alliance, Conqueror of Catan, Door Keeper of Downtown, Earl of Eating Utensils, Protector of the Prune turned Potato, Man Slightly Qualified to Potentially Lead Some Kind of Expedition, Overload of Overthinking, Prince of Powder-kegs, Croissant Connoisseur and Overall Master of Ludicrous and Stupid Self Bestowed Titles.

 


generaldort #6 Posted 19 May 2017 - 01:30 PM

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View PostWolfmanJack99, on 18 May 2017 - 09:49 AM, said:

All very good tips, General! However, the fewer people that get this message the better. If everyone followed these rules then I wouldn't have anyone to "nuke off the map."

 

...and out of curiosity...

What ship(s) did you use in the season 6 ranked battles to get #1 in ALL 5 regions?

 

​Thanks!  The Nagato.

generaldort #7 Posted 19 May 2017 - 01:31 PM

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View PostJnobsir, on 18 May 2017 - 11:09 AM, said:

 

Does a questionably clever alias concocted during my childhood after spending way too much time discussing Monty Python and the Holy Grail with friends count? 

 

Of course, no-one except me and those few friends will ever get the inside joke, but I'm perfectly fine with that. 

 

​That is acceptable lol

Nachoo31 #8 Posted 19 May 2017 - 05:05 PM

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:popcorn:  I forget camo sometimes when the camo runs out.  So go ahead focus me.  More power to you.

Looking for Clan?  TheKriegsmarines [KMS]  

 






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